There were over 1,000 movies released last year.

62 were nominated for an Academy Award.

You essentially only had to see these 9.

But congrats on having a life, or whatever…

How To Win Your Oscar Pool (And Other Ways to Be Indebted to Me): Part IV

Best Picture

is, without a doubt, near the top of the “Best 10 Movies of 2016” list I never got around to making because I clearly live such a busy, fast-paced lifestyle. Just please make sure you see it…a minimum of three times.

Literally only Denzel and Viola could make 2 1/2 hours of talking in a backyard make me not want to blow my brains out.

Hacksaw Ridge
I mean…presented without comment.

Hell or High Water
Just when you thought Michael Shannon was the most intense person in show business.
screen-shot-2017-02-26-at-1-05-41-pmHidden Figures
The award for most clapping and “YASSSSS GIRL!” moments experienced in a movie theater in 2016.

La La Land
The thing that really kills me about this movie – other than the fact that my brain has had three of its songs on a continuous loop for the past two months – is that its conclusion clearly mirrors the real life Gosstone/Stoneling soulmate romance that can never be.

tomeverettscott emma-stone-ryan-gosling-hold-hands-look-so-cute-on-set

Except instead of the dude I now know is “Shades” from That Thing You Do! but who I always think is mini T.Hanks from Big getting in the way…
there’s fucking Zoltar.


If you liked Slumdog, you will like this movie. And if you didn’t like Slumdog, please remove yourself from my life forever.

Manchester by the Sea
I am ashamed to say how “meh” I was about this movie upon first seeing its trailer. I thought I instantly had it all figured out: guy knocks up girl, they lose the baby, his sense of failure of becoming a father impedes his willingness to become the guardian for his nephew. But fuck it, I’m a sucker for Casey Affleck and anything with Boston accents – no matter where they fall on the scale of Julianne Moore to Jeremy Renner – so what’s the worst that can happen?

Turns out, ummm, you can spend an hour and a half straight openly weeping in public while being dropkicked in body parts you weren’t entirely sure existed beforehand (heart, ovaries, tear ducts, etc.). And then, when the lights come up to reveal the red, blotchy, snot-covered mess you once called your face, you’re thrust back out into the world like

Listen, if you would have told me 6 months ago that the movie that would make me cry more than any other in my life – including Homeward Bound and The Boy in the Striped Pajamas – would feature Jimmy fucking Cooper in a monochrome, double popped collar, I would have bopped you in the snozzola.

But here we are.

I really, really wanted to love Moonlight. Truly. I just could not. I’m sorry.

Check this off to win your pool: La La Land
Check this off to win my approval: Manchester by the Sea