Congratulations!
You’ve made it to the part where we discuss 5 of the 6 categories that you “normal” people that don’t spend 2-3 days a week in a movie theater actually pretend to give a shit about.

You can un-glaze your eyeballs now.

This is “How To Win Your Oscar Pool (And Other Ways to Be Indebted to Me): Part IV.”


Actor in a Supporting Role

Mahershala Ali, Moonlight

Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water

Lucas Hedges, Manchester by the Sea

Dev Patel, Lion

Michael Shannon, Nocturnal Animals

Mahershala will and should win. But Michael Shannon, the most terrifying human being alive after Christopher Walken, is also somehow the most terrifying part of a movie that features a homicidal rapist who shits naked on his front porch toilet AND a possessed baby monitor.
And he’s the GOOD guy.

At some point, we have to start giving him all the awards so he doesn't inevitably eat our faces off one by one.
At some point, we have to start giving him all the awards so he doesn’t inevitably eat all our faces off one by one.

Major snub goes to this dude from the documentary The Ivory Game who clearly pretended to give a shit about exposing the batshit crazy ivory market in Hong Kong in order to score some chicks.

Check this off to win your pool: Mahershala Ali
Check this off to win my approval: Michael Shannon


Actress in a Supporting Role

Viola Davis, Fences
There is only one woman who had more mucus draining from her face hole in movie theaters this past year, and god dammit, if I don’t win the Oscar, she is the next most deserving. Everyone else need not apply.

Naomie Harris, Moonlight

Nicole Kidman, Lion
One special shoutout to Nicole Kidman who – upon multiple viewings – made me think she wished her adopted son’s birth mother was dead. What a dark twist that would have been.

“I hope she’s there.” Sure, Nicole. Sure.

Octavia Spencer, Hidden Figures

Michelle Williams, Manchester by the Sea

Check this off to win your pool: Viola Davis
Check this off to win my approval: Viola Davis


Actor in a Leading Role

Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea

Andrew Garfield, Hacksaw Ridge

Ryan Gosling, La La Land

Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic

Denzel Washington, Fences

I mean, despite how you feel about Casey Affleck as a person, I dare anyone to put this single scene up against any of the competition this year and tell me this isn’t the clear and obvious winner.
**Major spoiler alert**, even though I’ve been telling everyone I come in contact with to see this movie for 3 fucking months now:


I really have nothing else to say about this because now I’m back in the fetal position.

Check this off to win your pool: Denzel Washington
Check this off to win my approval: Casey Affleck


Actress in a Leading Role

Isabelle Huppert, Elle

Ruth Negga, Loving

Natalie Portman, Jackie

Emma Stone, La La Land

Meryl Streep, Florence Foster Jenkins

Footage of my actual reaction to voting for anyone other than Emma in this category:

Check this off to win your pool: Emma Stone
Check this off to win my approval: Emma Stone


Directing

Arrival – Denis Villeneuve

Hacksaw Ridge – Mel Gibson

La La Land – Damien Chazelle

Manchester by the Sea – Kenneth Lonergan

Moonlight – Barry Jenkins

No, I don’t think La La Land deserves the same amount of (or, god forbid, more) Oscars as the singular cinematic masterpiece known as Titanic. But it’s totally cool that Damien Chazelle, at only 5 years older than me, should be the youngest person ever to win Best Director with the third fucking movie he’s ever made. Totally cool. No existential crisis at all.

Mainly because I’ve already got mine, suckaaa.

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This photo is literally the one consolation prize I have for losing Jeopardy!, so just let me pretend.

Check this off to win your pool: Damien Chazelle
Check this off to win my approval: Damien Chazelle, I GUESS

Read on:
How To Win Your Oscar Pool (And Other Ways to Be Indebted to Me): Part V

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