You’ve made it to the part where we discuss 5 of the 6 categories that you “normal” people that don’t spend 2-3 days a week in a movie theater actually pretend to give a shit about.
You can un-glaze your eyeballs now.
This is “How To Win Your Oscar Pool (And Other Ways to Be Indebted to Me): Part IV.”
Actor in a Supporting Role
Mahershala Ali, Moonlight
Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water
Lucas Hedges, Manchester by the Sea
Dev Patel, Lion
Michael Shannon, Nocturnal Animals
Mahershala will and should win. But Michael Shannon, the most terrifying human being alive after Christopher Walken, is also somehow the most terrifying part of a movie that features a homicidal rapist who shits naked on his front porch toilet AND a possessed baby monitor.
And he’s the GOOD guy.
Major snub goes to this dude from the documentary The Ivory Game who clearly pretended to give a shit about exposing the batshit crazy ivory market in Hong Kong in order to score some chicks.
Check this off to win your pool: Mahershala Ali
Check this off to win my approval: Michael Shannon
Actress in a Supporting Role
Viola Davis, Fences
There is only one woman who had more mucus draining from her face hole in movie theaters this past year, and god dammit, if I don’t win the Oscar, she is the next most deserving. Everyone else need not apply.
Naomie Harris, Moonlight
Nicole Kidman, Lion
One special shoutout to Nicole Kidman who – upon multiple viewings – made me think she wished her adopted son’s birth mother was dead. What a dark twist that would have been.
“I hope she’s there.” Sure, Nicole. Sure.
Octavia Spencer, Hidden Figures
Michelle Williams, Manchester by the Sea
Check this off to win your pool: Viola Davis
Check this off to win my approval: Viola Davis
Actor in a Leading Role
Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea
Andrew Garfield, Hacksaw Ridge
Ryan Gosling, La La Land
Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic
Denzel Washington, Fences
I mean, despite how you feel about Casey Affleck as a person, I dare anyone to put this single scene up against any of the competition this year and tell me this isn’t the clear and obvious winner.
**Major spoiler alert**, even though I’ve been telling everyone I come in contact with to see this movie for 3 fucking months now:
I really have nothing else to say about this because now I’m back in the fetal position.
Check this off to win your pool: Denzel Washington
Check this off to win my approval: Casey Affleck
Actress in a Leading Role
Isabelle Huppert, Elle
Ruth Negga, Loving
Natalie Portman, Jackie
Emma Stone, La La Land
Meryl Streep, Florence Foster Jenkins
Footage of my actual reaction to voting for anyone other than Emma in this category:
Check this off to win your pool: Emma Stone
Check this off to win my approval: Emma Stone
Arrival – Denis Villeneuve
Hacksaw Ridge – Mel Gibson
La La Land – Damien Chazelle
Manchester by the Sea – Kenneth Lonergan
Moonlight – Barry Jenkins
No, I don’t think La La Land deserves the same amount of (or, god forbid, more) Oscars as the singular cinematic masterpiece known as Titanic. But it’s totally cool that Damien Chazelle, at only 5 years older than me, should be the youngest person ever to win Best Director with the third fucking movie he’s ever made. Totally cool. No existential crisis at all.
Mainly because I’ve already got mine, suckaaa.
Check this off to win your pool: Damien Chazelle
Check this off to win my approval: Damien Chazelle, I GUESS