Here we are at the bathroom break awards, because those damn shorts and (shudder) foreign language bullshit snuck up on you, and at that point you were way too comfortable on the couch to move and obviously too busy scrolling through your Facebook feed to realize it’s now 6 hours into the show and we’re still only halfway there.

And now it’s 12:30 pm on Oscar Day (AKA Christmas) and fucking Bill Paxton had to go and die  today of all days, so now I have to go spend 5 1/2 hours watching Titanic and Twister and have absolutely no time to waste supplying you with all my knowledge.

So, without further ado, “How To Win Your Oscar Pool (And Other Ways to Be Indebted to Me): Part III“.


Cinematography

Arrival

La La Land

Lion 

Moonlight 

Silence

This is where you pick the movie that looks the prettiest.

Check this off to win your pool: La La Land
Check this off to win my approval: La La Land


Film Editing

Arrival 

Hacksaw Ridge

Hell or High Water 

La La Land 

Moonlight

This is the one where you pick the movie that flows the best and/or keeps surprising you throughout, not the one that slaps together one half of a too-schmaltzy-for-Lifetime movie and one half of the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan. Can you tell how much I love Hacksaw Ridge?

Check this off to win your pool: La La Land
Check this off to win my approval: Arrival


Production Design

Arrival

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Hail, Caesar!

La La Land

Passengers

This is the one where you pick the movie that looks the prettiest, part deux.

Check this off to win your pool: La La Land
Check this off to win my approval: La La Land


Visual Effects

Deepwater Horizon
Was this scene cut out of the screeners submitted to Academy voters?

Doctor Strange

The Jungle Book

Kubo and the Two Strings

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Special mention to the creators of Alice Through the Looking Glass for creating the effect of Johnny Depp morphing into the worst actor alive.

Check this off to win your pool: The Jungle Book
Check this off to win my approval: The Jungle Book


Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

Arrival

Fences

Hidden Figues

Lion

Moonlight

This has nothing to do with any of the nominees, but remember that time Clint Eastwood created a whole subplot in American Sniper about that Mustafa guy Bradley Cooper gets to shoot from like 10,000 miles away just to add unnecessary drama into the biography of a fucking real life person? Well…that gravel-mouthed, chair-talking bastard did it again with the whole second half of Sully.

sully2sully1

But what should I expect from a guy that puts a fucking billboard of himself in the middle of Times Square in his own movie?

Special mention: The Legend of Tarzan

“Do you want me to lick his nuts too?” – Edgar Rice Burroughs, 1912

Check this off to win your pool: Moonlight
Check this off to win my approval: Arrival


Writing (Original Screenplay)

Hell or High Water 

La La Land

The Lobster

Manchester by the Sea

20th Century Women

The Lobster is the most original movie of the decade, despite Hell or High Water having, easily, my favorite bits of movie dialogue of all time.

Special mention to Marky Mark himself for personally adding this factoid to the IMDB page of Patriots Day, a movie in which his fictional character singlehandedly identifies and tracks down the Boston Marathon bombers:

patriots

Check this off to win your pool: Manchester by the Sea
Check this off to win my approval: The Lobster

Read on:
How To Win Your Oscar Pool (And Other Ways to Be Indebted to Me): Part IV

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