There are 62 films nominated for an Oscar this year.
This post contains 30 of those nominees.
You have *maybe* heard of 2 or 3 of them. So take note.
This is “How To Win Your Oscar Pool (And Other Ways to Be Indebted to Me): Part II.”
Animated Feature Film
Kubo and the Two Strings
Or the one time I decided to cross an animated movie off my list before bed and ended up with nightmares for a lifetime.
Or the best “princess” movie since Mulan that I have definitely not watched four times (and counting…).
My Life as a Zucchini
Or the time I watched a French animated movie with no subtitles just to prove to myself that I could watch all the nominated movies because it’s the only thing I have going for me. There are no zucchinis in this film.
The Red Turtle
Or the kid’s movie with absolutely no dialogue in which Tom Hanks in Cast Away willingly fucks a woman he saw emerge from a sea turtle shell instead of just Wilson.
But at least it gave the world this A+ reaction video to 2016 (and 2017) as a whole.
Or the Disney crowdpleaser with a political message that has probably less than a zero chance of losing. And the one nominated movie you probably saw this year.
Check this off to win your pool: Zootopia
Check this off to win my approval: A Zootopia/Moana Sophie’s choice
Short Film (Animated)
Girl can see only the past out of one eye and only the future out of the other. Which one will she choose to pull a Lobster on? As weird as it sounds.
Short that includes a kid accidentally shooting his dad’s head off and then coming back to the site later in life to throw himself off a cliff. Parental advisory not required.
Pear Cider and Cigarettes
Way, way too long short about a dude and his good-for-nothing addict friend that shows some animated vag. Parental advisory required.
Basically the story of a father and daughter set to something that sounds like a watered down Head & the Heart song.
Honestly, just try to tell me this isn’t the cutest fucking thing you’ve ever seen.
Check this off to win your pool: Piper
Check this off to win my approval: Piper
Fire at Sea
A surprisingly boring look at the worldwide refugee crisis that surprisingly does NOT star Bob Dylan.
I Am Not Your Negro
There are two things to take away from this movie:
1. Race relations in this country are as fucked up as they were 50 years ago
2. Samuel L. Jackson apparently has a NON-Samuel L. Jackson voice
Only one of these facts should blow your mind.
For someone whose soul has been questioned on more than one occasion, there was an unseemly amount of some strange, salty liquid and snot pouring down my face in various movie theaters across the country in 2016. This movie about a severely autistic boy who learns to communicate through Disney movies was certainly no exception. Any movie that can make me ugly sob due to an appearance by one Gilbert fucking Gottfried, of all people, has my vote.
(For more Snot Docs™, see: Gleason, Tower, The Eagle Huntress)
O.J.: Made in America
The only thing dumber than you not voting for this one – the 8-hour one without Cuba Gooding Jr. – would be robbing someone at gunpoint after getting away with murder.
There are so, so many things to take away from this film on the history of racial inequality, maybe least of which that this random dude is a real piece of shit:
Check this off to win your pool: O.J.: Made in America
Check this off to win my approval: Life, Animated
Documentary (Short Subject)
Watani: My Homeland
The White Helmets
Death. Death. Death. Death. More death. Good times all around.
Check this off to win your pool: Joe’s Violin
Check this off to win my approval: The White Helmets
Short Film (Live Action)
La Femme et le TGV
These were all honestly too lame to even dissect, so just make “your” pick, and let’s move forward.
Check this off to win your pool: Ennemis Intérieurs
Check this off to win my approval: Sing
Foreign Language Film
Land of Mine (Denmark)
I honestly can’t decide if it’s more pathetic that I followed along with this movie using subtitles on my laptop, or that it took me a solid 30 minutes of watching mouths not match up to words to realize the version I was watching was dubbed in Italian.
You would think the first 40 instances of “si signore sergente” would have tipped me off, but no. Guess now I’ll never learn how to say everyday phrases like “land mine” or “fucking German Nazi bastards” when I travel to Copenhagen.
A Man Called Ove (Sweden)
I also cried at this movie, but at least I was decent enough to do it inside my own home.
The Salesman (Iran)
Literally the only positive outcome of Trump’s travel ban: the boost to this movie’s inevitable win.
And the Oscar for the phrase I never thought I’d hear uttered in a nominated film goes to…
Toni Erdmann (Germany)
If you don’t enjoy people masturbating on baked goods or seeing a woman stand naked in front of her father who is, for some reason, dressed like this…
…this movie may not be for you.
Check this off to win your pool: The Salesman
Check this off to win my approval: A Man Called Ove