Listen, I realize in the grand scheme of things, watching movies fares just a tad lower than say… the inevitably of you and everyone you’ve ever loved being incinerated to a gelatinous pile of goo in the impending nuclear holocaust.

Actual footage of a documentary I just happened to watch on Jan. 20, 2017 to take my mind off Inauguration Day. LOL
Actual footage from a documentary I happened to watch on Jan. 20, 2017 to try to take my mind off Inauguration Day. LOL

But would it have literally killed you people to watch ANYTHING not produced by Marvel (sad!) or DC (v sad!) this year?

I mean, Jesus Christ, that video is the most disturbing thing I’ve seen thus far this year.
A year that has included THIS:

Without a doubt the most harrowing experience that poor soldier has ever had.

Luckily for you – and unluckily for the chance of me ever having some semblance of an actual life – I have seen everything there is to see and read everything there is to read about the greatest annual celebration known to man (well, second greatest): the Academy Awards. So now, dear reader (hi, Mom!), I will impart all my vast, definitely not pathetic knowledge onto you so that you can win your Oscar pool and send me the contractually obligated 51% of any and all winnings (unless it’s some abstract garbage like “bragging rights,” in which case, you somehow are leading an even sadder existence than I.)

This is “How To Win Your Oscar Pool (And Other Ways to Be Indebted to Me): Part I.”


Costume Design

Marion Cotillard is a literal goddess. I know it, you know it, and now Angelina Jolie knows it. But this movie – costumes included – is as forgettable as they come.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Honestly, the most surprising thing about this movie is that they kept Katherine Waterston’s Rolo nips under wraps the entire time. Nevertheless, I would casually wear Queenie’s coat every single day for as long as I live (not very much longer – see: nuclear holocaust).

Florence Foster Jenkins
I’m honestly still just trying to forget this movie exists.

As if THE pink pillbox hat alone wasn’t enough, you get a god damn montage halfway through the movie of Jackie Kennedy stumbling around morosely in the most enviable wardrobe of the 20th century. This one should be a lock.

La La Land
There’s not a single outfit Emma Stone wears in this movie that you wouldn’t also be able to find on Modcloth. This is by no means an insult, but I’m not sure you should win an Oscar for something my basic ass could throw together with a $1,000 gift card (for the love of Gos, someone please accept this challenge). With that said, I wouldn’t think twice about murdering someone to have this little piece in my closet.

Speaking strictly about the dress and definitely not Gos...
Speaking strictly about the dress and definitely not Gos…

Check this off to win your pool: Jackie
Check this off to win my approval*: Jackie

*Of the utmost importance, I think it goes without saying.

Makeup and Hairstyling

A Man Called Ove
I love this movie, and I don’t care if the extent of its makeup is making an already old dude look slightly older and jowlier. In fact, I don’t really care about this category at all, so why the fuck should you?

Star Trek Beyond
This movie is even more forgettable than Allied. But they used the most makeup, so I guess congrats?

Suicide Squad
I refuse to live in a world where a movie like Suicide Squad is an Academy Award winner. Especially when they force Common to show up like this:

Check this off to win your pool: Star Trek Beyond
Check this off to win my approval: A Man Called Ove

Music (Original Score)


La La Land




Arrival had the best score of any movie, hands down (I know, I know – high praise!). Alas, it was deemed ineligible due to the use of a pre-existing song, namely the one Michelle Williams disintegrates in Leo’s arms (wouldn’t we all?) to in Shutter Island. So, who cares, there’s 24 categories to get through here, people.

Check this off to win your pool: La La Land
Check this off to win my approval: La La Land

Music (Original Song)

“Audition (The Fools Who Dream)” – La La Land
This category is essentially La La vs. La La. But while “City of Stars” is the clear frontrunner, this one is the absolute showstopper – and, more importantly, the better of the two to belt out in the shower. Or so I’ve heard.

“Can’t Stop the Feeling” – Trolls
I have heard this song 100,000 times, and yet always think it’s called “Can’t Stop the Music.” Also, fuck JT for insinuating he somehow cares more about music than Joey Fatone!

“City of Stars” – La La Land
There is no greater force in the universe than the combined charm of Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone. And that is a fact.

“The Empty Chair” – Jim: The James Foley Story
Yeah, okay, let’s just nominate a steaming pile of wet garbage because it’s sung by Sting instead of anything from Sing Street or the greatest song of the year all time…

“How Far I’ll Go” – Moana
The “Colors of the Wind” to “You’re Welcome”‘s “Savages.” Most people will tell you it’s better, more iconic. Those people are clearly wrong.

Check this off to win your pool: “City of Stars”
Check this off to win my approval: “Audition (The Fools Who Dream)”

Sound Editing


Deepwater Horizon

Hacksaw Ridge

La La Land


This is the one where you create sounds that wouldn’t naturally exist in the shooting of the movie. Like, you know, an entire, complex alien language that you invent from scratch…or a few gunshots and grenades like every other war movie ever produced.

Check this off to win your pool: Hacksaw Ridge
Check this off to win my approval: Arrival

Sound Mixing


Hacksaw Ridge

La La Land

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi

This has nothing to do with sound, but seeing as this is the only nomination for this movie, can we just talk about how these white dudes are supposedly three DIFFERENT characters that are NOT triplets or even related?

This is the one that mixes together all the movie’s existing sounds – sound effects, dialogue, music, maybe a coupla farts if you’re lucky – into something that doesn’t sound like garbage.

Check this off to win your pool: La La Land
Check this off to win my approval: La La Land

Read on:
How To Win Your Oscar Pool (And Other Ways to Be Indebted to Me): Part II