Congratulations. You’ve made it. The final edition of “Faking Your Way Through The Oscars.”

It must be so exhausting to read through four blog posts. You know what’s more exhausting? Reading through five books that were adapted into screenplays. And watching 116 movies. And then complaining about all the time you spent preparing for one night of the year, even though no one forced you to do so, and you love it more than anything.

I bet you thought these final six categories were pretty much the only ones of the night. For that, you would be wrong. You were also wrong not to see all the nominated movies. But I digress…

This is how you fake your way through the 2016 Oscars…

Best Original Screenplay

The nominees are…

Matt Charman and Ethan Coen & Joel Coen | Bridge of Spies
Alex Garland | Ex Machina
Pete Docter, Meg LeFauve, Josh Cooley | Inside Out
Josh Singer and Tom McCarthy | Spotlight
Jonathan Herman and Andrea Berloff | Straight Outta Compton

This is the person that will win: Josh Singer and Tom McCarthy

This is the person that should win: Josh Singer and Tom McCarthy. Spotlight is the best movie of the year. Mad Max is the most fun movie of the year. The Revenant is the most memorable movie of the year. Keep up.

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Zzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Best Adapted Screenplay

The nominees are…

Charles Randolph and Adam McKay | The Big Short
Nick Hornby | Brooklyn
Phyllis Nagy | Carol
Drew Goddard | The Martian
Emma Donoghue | Room

This is the person that will win: Charles Randolph and Adam McKay. God, I hate this movie. God, I really hate the book. God, I hate numbers and math and anything to do with finance. God, I hate Will Ferrell/Adam McKay movies.

This is the person that should win: Emma Donoghue. Oh, I’m sorry, did I forget to mention that I not only 1) Watched all the nominated movies, 2) Read all the books adapted into screenplays, but also 3) Motherfucking met a genuine Oscar nominee.

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Me and Emma Donoghue are tight. And she is the nicest person ever. And did I mention how much I hate Will Ferrell movies?

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Will Ferrell movies are really the worst.

 

Achievement in Directing

The nominees are…

Adam McKay | The Big Short
George Miller | Mad Max: Fury Road
Alejandro G. Iñárritu | The Revenant
Lenny Abrahamson | Room
Tom McCarthy | Spotlight

This is the person that will win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu

This is the person that should win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu. I repeat, HAVE YOU SEEN THE REVENANT?

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Do we really live in a world where Lady Gaga has an Oscar and Adam McKay, director of Step Brothers and Anchorman, is an Oscar nominee?” *blow head clean off*

 

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

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The nominees are…

Bryan Cranston | Trumbo
Matt Damon | The Martian
Leonardo DiCaprio | The Revenant
Michael Fassbender | Steve Jobs
Eddie Redmayne | The Danish Girl

This is the person that will win: Leonardo DiCaprio

This is the person that should win: Leo. For What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? For Shutter Island. For The Aviator. For Catch Me If You Can. For Django Unchained. For The Revenant? Not necessarily, if he had any stronger competition. But Leo for life.

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Is there anyone in the world that had more Leo posters on their wall than Hallie circa 1998?”

Is there anyone in the world (other than Queen Kate) that loved Leo more than Hallie circa 1998?

Am I the only one that thinks Samuel L. Jackson maybe should have been in conversation for this category for The Hateful Eight?

How long do you think Hallie will weep once Leo wins? Even longer than the 7th time she saw Titanic in theaters circa 1998?”

 

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

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The nominees are…

Cate Blanchett | Carol
Brie Larson | Room
Jennifer Lawrence | Joy
Charlotte Rampling | 45 Years
Saoirse Ronan | Brooklyn

This is the person that will win: Brie Larson

This is the person that should win: Brie Larson. She deserved a nomination for Short Term 12, and she deserves the win here. And I thought this even before I learned she is dating the lead singer of Phantom Planet.

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
How does Cate Blanchett keep getting more and more beautiful?”

Why is Cate Blanchett, the most gorgeous woman to ever walk the planet, married to such a troll?” – if you’re my father

How the hell did Saiorse Ronan keep a straight face picking that uggo Italian over Domhnall Gleeson?”

How much of her soul does Jennifer Lawrence currently owe to Harvey Weinstein?”

 

Best Motion Picture of the Year

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The nominees are…

The Big Short
Bridge of Spies
Brooklyn
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant 
Room
Spotlight

This is what will win: The Revenant. 

This is what should win: The Revenant. No, Spotlight. No, The Revenant. No…

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Seriously, did no one see Sicario?”


Maybe next year I should at least see all the Best Picture nominees so I don’t have to solely rely on Hallie’s expertise.

 

FIN.

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