Watching movies is not always an easy task. For every crowd pleaser like Mad Max or Brooklyn, you have to suffer through heart-wrenching tales of discomfort and sacrifice.

No, I’m not talking about Room or Spotlight. Yes, sexual abuse is awful and sad. But you know who really had it bad this year? Me.

Not only did I have to suffer through two hours of Angelina Jolie’s new franken-nips in By the Sea (seriously – I will never look at Rolos the same again), but I also had to physically stifle what was – and will possibly always be – the biggest laugh of my life: watching Ansel Elgort be chased in Insurgent. 


“But how will I know which one is Elgort? There’s so many people running.”
Trust me, YOU’LL KNOW.

But I did all of this for you, dear amateur. Because this is how you fake your way through the 2016 Oscars…part III.

Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

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The nominees are…

Jennifer Jason Leigh | The Hateful Eight
Rooney Mara | Carol
Rachel McAdams | Spotlight
Alicia Vikander | The Danish Girl
Kate Winslet | Steve Jobs

This is the person that will win: Alicia Vikander. She-who-is-fake-dating-MY-Fassbender, and if you believe BlindGossip (which I do, religiously) is unhappy with the fauxlationship because she “wants to date someone younger and hotter.”

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LOL. Good luck with that one, bitch.

You know, the supporting actress with a mere 62% of her film’s screen time, arguably more than her costar, the reigning Best Actor winner.

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This is the person that should win: Some people worship God. I worship a queen, goddess extraordinaire.

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Wait, not that one.

This one.

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Queen Kate can do no wrong.
And who doesn’t want Kate & Leo to win an Oscar together?

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Seriously, is Alicia Vikander blind or just plain stupid?

 

Achievement in Visual Effects

The nominees are…

Ex Machina
Mad Max: Fury Road
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
The Martian
The Revenant

This is what will win: Either Mad Max: Fury Road (obviously) or Star Wars: The Force Awakens (pity prize). Sorry, nerds.

This is what should win: The Revenant, for the bear alone. Or Ex Machina. Loved this movie. Love Oscar Isaac. Love Domhnall Gleeson. Love Alicia Vikander, despite what you may have heard. Loved the effects. How I feel about it:

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Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Seriously, how the fuck did they make that bear scene?” – Please let me know if you find out the answer

 

Best Animated Short Film

The nominees are…

Bear Story
Prologue
Sanjay’s Super Team
We Can’t Live Without Cosmos
World of Tomorrow

This is what will win: Sanjay’s Super Team. Oscar films are super diverse…when they’re animated.

This is what should win: Bear Story or World of Tomorrow. Just read and trust me.

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
When you were reminded 10x that children should leave the theater before Prologue, did you for a second think you were about to see a naked dude get stabbed up the scrote?

 

Best Animated Feature Film

The nominees are…

Anomalisa
Boy and the World
Inside Out
Shaun the Sheep
When Marnie Was There

This is what will win: Inside Out

This is what should win: Inside Out or Shaun the Sheep

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Why was The Good Dinosaur not nominated? Was it because they decided to combine the two most devastating moments from childhood – the deaths of Mufasa and Littlefoot’s mom – and think children wouldn’t be scarred for life?

Did the 3D-ishness of Charlie Brown in The Peanuts Movie remind anyone else of an ingrown hair extraction video?”

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At what point did you decide that taking your kids to see Anomalisa was a mistake? I think mine was this…” [whip out photo]

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Achievement in Production Design

The nominees are…

Bridge of Spies
The Danish Girl
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant

This is what will win: Mad Max: Fury Road

This is what should win: We really have to stop meeting like this.

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Steven Spielberg hasn’t made a watchable movie since Catch Me If You Can.” Okay, just me? Sorry.

 

Achievement in Cinematography

The nominees are…

Ed Lachman | Carol
Robert Richardson | The Hateful Eight
John Seale | Mad Max: Fury Road
Emmanuel Lubezki | The Revenant
Roger Deakins | Sicario

This is the person that will win: Emmanuel Lubezki for The Revenant.

This is the person that should win: Have you seen The Revenant? Makes Life of Pi look like that last pile of gray slush on the side of the road four days after a snowstorm.

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Just be super pretentious a la Jessica “I’m the motherfucker who found this place” Chastain and refer to the winner as Chivo, like you’re best buds.

 

Achievement in Film Editing

The nominees are…

Hank Corwin | The Big Short
Margaret Sixel | Mad Max: Fury Road
Stephen Mirrione | The Revenant
Tom McArdle | Spotlight
Maryann Brandon and Mary Jo Markey | Star Wars: The Force Awakens

This is the person that will win: Margaret Sixel for Mad Max: Fury Road

This is the person that should win: Come. On.

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
What the fuck do you mean you haven’t seen Mad Max: Fury Road, you pretentious cunt?

 

Best Documentary Feature

The nominees are…

Amy
Cartel Land
The Look of Silence
What Happened, Miss Simone?
Winter on Fire: Ukraine’s Fight for Freedom

This is what will win: Amy

This is what should win: Amy, of course. Amy Winehouse is a once-in-a-lifetime force and a treasure that should never be forgotten and… okay, is my dad gone? The Look of Silence and Winter on Fire are much more powerful. Sorry.

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
I’m sleepy and gassy. How much longer until Best Picture is announced? 

 

Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Song)

The nominees are…

“Earned It” | Fifty Shades of Grey
“Manta Ray” | Racing Extinction
“Simple Song #3” | Youth
“Writing’s on the Wall” | Spectre
“Til it Happens to You” | The Hunting Ground

This is what will win: “Til it Happens to You.” Yes, that’s right, by the end of tonight Lady Gaga will have an Oscar, and my head will be firmly in the oven.

This is what should win: Literally anything but Lady Gaga or Sam Smith’s utterly forgettable Bond ballad. Can we just have Adele re-dub “Skyfall” with the new film’s title every time?

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Do you think Lady Gaga pretended to have anything to do with the writing of that song just to ruin Hallie’s life?

Lady Gaga is officially going to have an Oscar before Leo. That extraterrestrial bitch will probably go out of her way to bump into him again.

 

Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Score)

And the nominees are…

Thomas Newman | Bridge of Spies
Carter Burwell | Carol
Ennio Morricone | The Hateful Eight
Jóhann Jóhannsson | Sicario
John Williams | Star Wars: The Force Awakens

This is the person that will win: Ennio Morricone

This is the person that should win: Ennio Morricone

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
How the fuck is The Hateful Eight only up for two awards?”

How mean are Jóhann Jóhannsson’s parents?

 

Moving on to Faking Your Way Through The Oscars: Part IIII. I mean IV. Numbers were never my strong suit.

 

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