There are some people only go trek out to the movie theater for the latest Marvel or Michael Bay release.

There are also people who claim to at least see all the “Best Picture” nominees, then just lie through their teeth once they check those like The Martian and Mad Max: Fury Road off the list. (“Room? Oh yeah, that’s the one with Tommy Wiseau, right?”)

Then there are people who spend every Tuesday at the local AMC and go home for the holidays only to force their various loved ones to take a break from presents and plowing down food to go see eight movies over a 14-day span, in specifically selected theaters (I love you, Cedar Lee, Capitol and Shaker Square.) The people who will get on a bus for 5 hours, go see 2 movies (for $14 each, gotta love NYC), then immediately get back on a bus for another 5 hours.

I, along with many other perfectly-adjusted human beings, may or may not fall into the latter category. There are 57 movies nominated for an Oscar tonight. I have seen all 57. Just go with me here…

This is how you fake your way through the 2016 Oscars…part II.

We are going to blow through some of these categories, because 1) Watching movies is an exhausting job and holy Oscar Sunday is my day of rest, 2) I prefer to watch the pre-pre-pre Red Carpet show than spend time formulating opinions only my mommy will read, and 3) You didn’t see the movie, so why the fuck do you care about its sound being mixed?

(Sometimes the Oscars are presented in this order. Sometimes they’re not. Get the fuck over it, I’m doing you a service here.)

 

Achievement in Costume Design

The nominees are…

Sandy Powell | Carol
Sandy Powell | Cinderella
Paco Delgado | The Danish Girl
Jenny Beavan | Mad Max: Fury Road
Jacqueline West | The Revenant 

This is the person that will win: Jenny Beavan for Mad Max: Fury Road.

This is the person that should win: Jenny Beavan. Say what you will about the batshit insanity of the movie, but of the 116 movies I, your Oscar guide, watched this past year, only one was watched on four separate occasions. Give it all the awards. (Well, except Best Picture. And Cinematography.)

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Man, that Sandy Powell is really a greedy bitch, huh?
Do you think the only reason Kingsman wasn’t nominated because it’s plainly obvious that Samuel L. Jackson provided his own wardrobe?

Kingsman-Secret-Service-Colin-Firth-Samuel-L-Jackson-Taron-Egerton
Never forget.

Achievement in Makeup and Hairstyling

The nominees are…

Mad Max: Fury Road
The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared
The Revenant

This is what will win: Mad Max: Fury Road

This is what should win: 87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4aGive87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4aMad87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4aMax87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4aall*87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4athe87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4aawards87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4a *most of
Or, to quote my father, “Why would you take one of the most beautiful women on the planet and try to make her so gross looking?” Because, dear father, that is how you win an Oscar.

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party: 
Yes, of course I saw The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared.” – bonus points for doing so with a straight face

Best Foreign Language Film

And the nominees are…

Embrace of the Serpent (Colombia)
Mustang (France)
Son of Saul (Hungary)
Theeb (Jordan)
A War (Denmark)

This is what will win: Son of Saul. It’s a Holocaust movie that combines Schindler’s List with the last 10 minutes of Boy in the Striped Pajamas. So…yeah, good luck to both the other nominees and anyone trying to leave the theater without their wrists slit.

This is what should win: I fell asleep approximately 12 times during Embrace of the Serpent (still counts!), so that’s out. Even with a young boy’s beloved brother getting shot right in front of his face, Theeb doesn’t pack the emotional gut punch as its fellow nominees (see above: description of Son of Saul). Mustang (or the Turkish Virgin Suicides, as I like to call it) was an early favorite, but I was completely blown away (no pun intended…okay, intended) by A War, the story of a Danish Army commander on trial for the bombing of 11 Afghani civilians. And not just because it stars my new soon-to-be favorite Game of Thrones character, the love child of Michael Shannon and Joshua Jackson.

#TeamPacey #TeamCole

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Good luck leaving a screening of Son of Saul with your wrists in tact.”

Best Live-Action Short Film

The nominees are…

Ave Maria
Day One
Everything Will Be Okay (Alles Wird Gut)
Shok
Stutterer

This is what will win: Ave Maria or Shok. Just read this, I can’t do everything for you.

This is what should win: Stutterer or Day One. As Variety explains Stutterer, it “might as well be the opening scene in an early-2000s date-night indie movie.” AKA my wheelhouse. But with Day One, I saw a baby foot dangling out of a vag, and that’s not something you easily forget or get over. Isn’t that what shorts are all about?

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
Ha…yeah…shorts…

 

Best Documentary Short Subject

The nominees are…

Body Team 12
Chau, Beyond the Lines
Claude Lanzmann: Spectres of the Shoah
A Girl in the River: The Price of Forgiveness
Last Day of Freedom

This is what will win: Body Team 12. Ebola is so hot right now. Even if this short doesn’t pack the emotional punch I was expecting. More like a 60 Minutes story. Meh.

This is what should win: Chau, Beyond the Lines. I suck at life and will never have any talent.

tr21b_1

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
First, read this.
Then try, “I was very moved by A Girl in the River, but maybe it was a little too similar to Saving Face, the 2012 winner in the same category?” Extra points for twirling your mustache.

Nothing, because the animation style of Last Day of Freedom gave you an epileptic seizure from which you never recovered.

 

Achievement in Sound Mixing

The nominees are…

Bridge of Spies
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Star Wars: The Force Awakens

This is what will win: Mad Max: Fury Road

This is what should win: 87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4aGive87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4aMad87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4aMax87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4aall*87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4athe87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4aawards87642f52e45949c3caba3aab97819e4a *most of

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
I have to look this up every single year, without fail: “Sound editing is the process by which sounds are sourced, created and captured. Sound mixing, on the other hand, refers to the process of putting the sounds together for the film’s final track.

The sound editor gathers the ingredients; the sound mixer makes the soup. It wouldn’t be good if the components were off, but too much salt would also ruin the taste.” – I stole this from National Post, but you’re stealing it from me, so….

 

Achievement in Sound Editing

The nominees are…

Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Sicario
Star Wars: The Force Awakens

This is what will win: Mad Max: Fury Road

This is what should win: Do I really have to tell you this again?

Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
See above.

 

Moving on to Faking Your Way Through The Oscars: Part III. Not starring Sofia Coppola.

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