Wait, what? You’re telling me you “didn’t have time” to watch 42 films and 15 shorts in the 45 days since the Oscar nominations were announced? (This is why movie-watching is a full-time job, amateurs.)
What the hell were you possibly doing? Going to work? Having a life? Leaving your home on a daily basis?
How are you going to win your Oscar pool? Just do a little eeny-meeny-miney-moe between Spotlight and The Revenant as you make your way down the list? (Actually, not the worst strategy, to be honest. But keep reading anyway.)
It’s really a good thing you have me in your life. Me, the underemployed, stay-at-home mother of two increasingly lazy dogs, who somehow managed to fill my fascinating life with 116 new releases over the last eight months. Your knight in shining armor.
This is how you fake your way through the 2016 Oscars…You’re welcome.
After drinking your way through six hours of Red Carpet coverage (double shot for the inevitable moment that Seacrest banshee wails “Finally, someone my size!” when Jacob Tremblay – and his uber DILF – arrive for the ceremonial ass-kissing), the show will begin. Some people will tell you the Oscars are boring, meaningless and a big, expensive waste of time. To them I say,
Chris Rock will do an opening monologue dominated by #OscarsSoWhite, which will make 99% of the attendees juuuuust this side of uncomfortable and cause a single tear to roll down Chris Pine’s cheek, which will make me incredibly uncomfortable.
And when they aggressively pan to the audience, there will be a few famous faces missing. Like Mr. and Mrs. “We’re Boycotting the Oscars Because of the Lack of Diversity in the Nominees and Not Just Because I Personally Wasn’t Nominated for Growling ‘Tell Da Troof’ for Two Hours” Will and Jada Smith. But you know what’s the absolute whitest thing you can do, other than pay for your children to have “careers” and – oh yeah – employ only white filmmakers in your production company? Become a Scientologist.
And then, legitimately eight hours into my Oscar-watching day, the first award will be given out:
Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
The nominees are:
Christian Bale | The Big Short
Tom Hardy | The Revenant
Mark Ruffalo | Spotlight
Mark Rylance | Bridge of Spies
Sylvester Stallone | Creed
Take a look at this bunch. You know what’s missing? (Yes, I mean other than a POC, please move on.) A clear winner. There’s no J.K. Simmons in Whiplash. No Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club. No Christopher Plummer in Beginners. No motherfucking Christoph “Jew Hunter” Waltz or Heath “This role literally killed me” Ledger. Christian Bale even lost an eye (though, to be fair, gained some teeth) for this year’s nomination, but couldn’t even come close to reclaiming the glory of his crackhead role in The Fighter.
This category sucks, plain and simple. And it really sucks because it usually showcases the single best acting performance of the year (Jacob Tremblay, obvs). And it really, really sucks because the Academy could have rightfully nominated Idris Elba for his role as the sexiest warlord of all time (sorry, Chiang Kai-shek) and shut up this whole boycotting conversation. So let’s just wrap up this turd in a nice little bow.
This is the person that will win: Sylvester Stallone. Because the Academy loves a good comeback story and also actors that speak in a foreign language.
This is the person that should win: Tom Hardy. Because he is always the best part of any movie, despite his “Marlon Brando cotton ball mouth” approach to dialogue.
Here are some choice phrases you could use at your Oscar party:
“Does this category even matter if Idris Elba wasn’t nominated?”
“Did no Academy voters see Sicario? Benicio del Toro scared the bejeezus out of me in ways usually only reserved for one Christopher Walken.”
“Seriously, why was Idris Elba not nominated? I mean, in addition to being recognized for a good performance, I think the whole world (and definitely not just Hallie) would really enjoy a room with the HOLY TRIFECTA* present.”
*Idris Elba, Michael Fassbender, Leonardo DiCaprio. In a game of FMK, I would kill myself 3x over, without question.